5 ways to pretend your toenails haven’t fallen off this summer
Summer is just around the corner. You’ve booked your ten-day getaway to a sunny spot on the continent. You’ve avoided the school holidays cos you’re not a teacher lol. You’ve bought a nice new hat and some yellow sunglasses off ASOS and you spotted some well nice sandals on Urban Outfitters. In the basket they go, next day delivery, don’t mind if I do.
Ah but you’ve forgotten that a lot of your toe nails have inexplicably fallen off. Shit. Some time between September and April, three of your toenails have disappeared into oblivion. It really wouldn’t be a problem aesthetically if they just fell off and stayed off, but they keep growing back in this fungal heap of toenail remnants and then falling off again 8 – 12 weeks later. Your partner keeps finding bits at the bottom of your bed and finds it strangely unerotic. “You should really see someone about that,” they say.
Well just for you, and your partner who finds you gross, here are five ways to pretend your toenails haven’t fallen off in time for the summer holidays.
- Paint over the skin
This only works for people who don’t mind painting their toenails and for those toenails that have recently fallen off and are at the beginning of the 8 – 12 week regrowth cycle. If you fit this criteria, just whack some orange nail varnish on. Unless someone is looking really closely, they won’t notice it’s been plastered on over the rocky terrain of your hardened toe skin.
2. Wear socks and sandals
According to like, every streetwear publication out there, the tourist look is in this summer. So just wear Supreme socks with your Birkenstocks and instead of everyone thinking you’re a toenail-less gremlin they’ll think you’re an absolute twat.
3. Go and actually see a doctor
I don’t know why our toenails have fallen off in the winter months. Honestly, I’m too scared to Google it. But those people who keep finding bits at the bottom of the bed are right. We should probably see a doctor about it. Maybe they’ll give us some anti-fungal cream that will mean our toenails actually grow back in time for the holidays.
4. Go to a nail artist and ask them to sand down the rest of your toenails and paint them the same black/yellow colour as the others
That way everyone will think you’ve got leprosy instead.
5. Own it
Just don’t pretend your toenails haven’t fallen off. Own that shit. If you catch some basic, fully toenailed Club Med holiday rep bitch staring at your decrepit wizard feet, just peel a bit off the top and flick it at em. You won’t catch them staring again, trust.
Editors note: My mate Lucy has added “you can glue them back on using a nail lamp but they hinge off after a while and curl up and aren’t good for glueing.”
