Fuck Time Out: Le Crobag
“German bread is so good,” say the idiots and the liars. But it’s not good. It’s tasteless, dry and ridiculously dense. If you ever eat a slice of German bread it’s like somebody’s trying to trick you into having 10 slices in one go. All of it’s grey, and most of it is stuffed with disgusting caraway seeds.
You know who makes great bread? The French. I’m talking about the baguette, the croissant, the brioche: all classics, all delicious. I know what you’re thinking: when in Rome do as the Romans do… i.e. when in Berlin eat horrible, dense bread. Well I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to. There are French agents in the heart of the German capital, and their mission is to delight your taste buds.
My first couple of years in Berlin and I didn’t dare buy anything from Le Crobag. I’d see them around at their shady rendez-vous points – on station platforms, under bridges – and walk straight past. What could I possibly want from a chain whose name is a combination of croissant and baguette?
But one fateful day I was taking the U-Bahn home late on a weekday and hit a classic 20 minute wait for the U5 at Alexanderplatz. Suddenly beset by desperate hunger, I was horrified to discover the only bakery left open was Le Crobag. And that’s when I had the revelation: Le Crobag is actually the best bakery chain in Germany.
In Berlin you can’t move for cheap bakeries. Chains and non-chains alike, they’re all trying to sell you five Schrippen for a Euro and a pisspoor coffee to go. Other than that they’ll have a selection of sad-looking pastries and some dry rolls filled with grey meat (don’t get me started on the “German sausages are so good” lie). The “croissants” are really just dry rolls disguised as the real deal. Purchase the “Schoko” version at your peril, because that shit is just a croissant-shaped dough-ball filled with supermarket-brand Nutella.
Not at Le Crobag. They know the secret to a decent pain au chocolat and that secret is fuckloads of butter and real chocolate. They do better filled baguettes than anywhere else in Berlin (although why can’t mainland Europe just figure out sandwiches already?) and they even have those sexy chocolate vegan muffins you usually only see in hipster cafes. Despite my enduring love for Le Crobag, I can’t in good faith recommend the coffee.
So if like me you’ve judged this livre by its cover, think again. Next time you’re in an U-Bahn station and feel the need to sate your carb-y cravings, head to Le Crobag. Order a croissant, close your eyes, and imagine you’re breakfasting in the heart of Le Marais. Because behind that clumsy abbreviation lies a boulangerie par excellence.
-By Will Clark
