I lifted a chair about a centimetre off the floor, in the spot which I imagine is directly above her bed, and I let go.

I might not be top of the league tables when it comes to not adding beans. But I can wash bowls and plates at an above-average rate!

I’m in Azraq, Jordan, in the middle of the desert and close to the Saudi border, and the project I’m working on has run out of money.

As we all four climbed into the cab, I asked Mantis where we were going. “To the girls,” he said. “You like the girls, right?”

My mother will never grace the cover of Vogue. ‘Well put together’ are three words you will never hear ascribed to her, at least not in the traditional sense. Groomed, no, unnervingly buoyant, yes.

For some reason I let him read a story I’ve only just finished. One that I wasn’t planning to show anyone.

A dickhead and egg situation.

Phnom Penh gives zero fucks about hygiene or roofs and to that I say yes, okay, good. Keep on stirring that floor-curry, b.

Barbarian Days is more than a memoir. It’s a love letter, albeit an anguished one, to surf.

I wonder if these men are okay with that; with being reduced to a jizz-phantom, a sperm-spectre, a fuck-ghost.

“Generally speaking, orchids seem to drive people crazy.”

I’ll have a new life here. Everything will be different. New job, new friends, new city, no dad.